I've long dreaded this coming Monday, it's the day I'll return to work and leave my son for longer than I've ever been away. He'll be bottle fed for multiple feedings in a row and be comforted by another's loving arms. [Sigh] I write this through tears. I'm not sure how I'll hold it together to make it through a day's work. Good thing my boss is understanding. I called my office today to check in and remind them that yes I really am coming back. I cried when I got off the phone. Not because I don't like working, actually I love working. And I'm good at what I do, but I am a better mom. Actually I enjoy being a mom way more than I thought I would. That may sound crazy to other moms, but I really thought the baby phase would be so boring and to be honest it is a little dull at times. Yet I love him so much. I know my baby so well. Will anyone else be able to calm him down like I can? Will they make him laugh like I can or tell when he needs a nap?
He's starting to try new things and he's just really discovered his hands. Staring at them constantly and grabbing things. Plus he wants to sit and roll over. I'll miss those milestones and I hate that.
It's killing me that I'll be away for so many hours during the week. I keep telling myself that I'm lucky though . . . he'll be with grandparents who love him. Adore him and will spoil him with love, attention and toys. I'm so grateful for our families and the support they provide. I don't know what we'd do without them.
So keep me in your thoughts and prayers this Monday. Lord knows I'll need them and probably a box of tissues next to my computer for every time a co-worker asks "How's the baby?"
PS On a lighter note . . . Here's the new 'do!
4 comments:
First, your hair looks FABULOUS! Super cute sweetie!!
Second, I totally get every single word in your post. Soo soo soo much. I can;t say I have the magic solution to make you feel better, but I can say that learning to balance takes time and with each day it gets easier. That longing never never goes away, but for your son, you will get through it. If you want a friend to cry with...call me....or if you just need to chat...I am here for you and I totally get what your heart is feeling and what your head is telling you.
Good luck on your first day back. You will need the kleenex and it will be ok! LOVE YA!
I have to agree...your hair looks fabulous!!! Adorable!!
Good luck on Monday! I can't imagine...but I know you'll be okay!
I'm crying just reading your post. I've been praying for you and will still on Monday. I have no words of wisdom. Love you!
Understanding a father's bond is inherently different than a mother's... I felt an immense sense of guilt, resentment towards the job, and a bit of relief - all at once. The first day back sucked, no doubt about it. The first week back sucked, but I did sit a few times and say "phew". Being at work was FAR easier than caring for a newborn. It felt like a vacation in a way. I went back only two weeks after her birth, when caring for Sophia was far more demanding than it is now.
I accepted that I was where I was by choice. Of course that choice was guided by necessity. Because of the long-term need for the sustainability of the home, my family needed me at work more than my baby needed me at home. Yes, that's difficult to write because my gut says it's not true. The brain disagrees. Of course our families need us! They need us in different ways, and we all have a role to play in that fulfillment.
There is no euphemism that can make what you're about to do feel better. Please don't guilt yourself up about it. Gavin and Karl will love you no matter how many hours you spend with them each day.
Five months later, going to work everyday still blows chunks. I love and enjoy my job, but I'll always love my family more.
Coming home from work each day to two big smiles waiting for me has never been as sweet as it is every day.
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